bulliesguidebook

"Cookies and Compliments"

2012-01-26T12:00:00.000-08:00

I first heard the phrase "cookies and compliments" used by Active Minds, the national nonprofit organization which creates awareness of mental health issues and offers support and guidance to college students. At the University of Connecticut, members of Active Minds stand in the middle of the campus every couple of weeks handing out cookies and offering compliments to passers-by, such as "Hey, nice shoes". I applaud this organization for using such a simple act of kindness, the compliment, to create awareness of their organization. I strongly believe that "cookies and compliments" could also be a success in elementary, middle and high schools. Perhaps student representatives of each grade could
hand out cookies and compliments every couple of weeks. I wonder how fast kindness could spread!

Engage and Empower a Friend!

2012-01-24T11:28:00.000-08:00

Engage and Empower are two words that I have been asking middle school students to practice in order to avoid social exclusion, a form of bullying that can often occur among friends.
Engage: When you first notice that a friend is behaving or acting differently, such as sitting away from you and your other friends or looking sad, engage your friend in your activity(s). He or she may have been feeling left-out of a group activity. If your friend does not change his or her behavior and continues to look or act sad, then,
Empower: Ask your friend in a caring way to please share his or her feelings with you or another trusted friend. To engage and empower a friend may keep him or her from feeling socially excluded.

"Bully","Bully","Bully" Everywhere!

2011-03-28T08:53:00.000-07:00

A day doesn't pass by that I don't hear the word "bully"being used by children and adults to describe someone with behavior that is not understood and may be causing hurtful feelings to another. I also read the word "bully" in our papers and hear it used on the news to describe nations and heads of nations that cause harm with words or actions to other nations or heads of nations. The increase in the use of the word "bully" can be very positive. It may help to change behaviors that are hurtful to others. The awareness of mean behavior is the first step to change. Change may happen to the person(s) who witness mean behavior and with appropriate intervention and action, mean behavior can stop. On the other hand, the misuse of the word "bully" can be very negative. Perhaps a person(s), nation or head of nation has caused personal harm to another without the intention of harming. Perhaps there had been an honest mistake. I strongly believe that the use of the word "bully" can be empowering and help change behavior, but it has also become a catch-phrase for mean or misunderstood behavior. Next time you say the word or hear or read the word "bully", please think about the proper definition:
"Bullying is behavior that occurs in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power
or strength, intended to cause harm or distress and occurs repeatedly over time."
I think that if we call the behavior/action what it truly is then there will be more relationship building and less misunderstandings.

The Active Bystander

2011-01-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

Most children understand that a bystander is someone who stands by someone else who is being harmed by another. However, children are unclear of the responsibility of a bystander. There are two types of bystanders: The silent bystander and the active bystander. A silent bystander chooses to be silent and do nothing when someone is being harassed or bullied by another. The active bystander acts to help the person who is being harmed. According to research, most children want to be active bystanders but they choose to be silent bystanders. Many children admit that they don't help another because; "it's none of my business" or "I didn't know what to do" or "I might get hurt next". Children who are silent bystanders often feel ashamed for not helping a person feel safe, helpless because they didn't know what to do and lonely because they have a difficulty sharing their feelings. How can parents help their children become active bystanders? Parents can explain to their children that there are Active Bystander Techniques that children can take to help another. Parents can also role play these techniques at home so their children feel comfortable using them in the community or at school. The techniques are: (1) say "STOP-IT!" to the person who is harming another loud enough so they get the attention of others(an even an adult). The person being harmed feels cared for and your child will feel proud that he or she stopped the mean behavior. (2) remove the person from harm: Your child can place his or her arm around the person being hurt and move them away from the situation toward safety. (3) get other children or an adult: Your child can gather other children to help stop the harassing or harming of another or get an adult to stop the situation and help the person who is being harmed feel safe. When parents continue their open dialogue about the importance of being an active bystander, role play the techniques with their children at home then their children will develop greater courage and be empowered to help another feel safe when they are being harmed by another.

Back-To-School Supplies!

2010-08-19T10:30:00.000-07:00

Parents, guardians and children are gearing up for the start of another school year! Many of us are thinking about school supplies, clothes, shoes and other necessities that our children need before day one. As a counselor, social worker, author of a bully-prevention book and most important, a parent of two children in elementary and middle school, I am also thinking of a necessity that is not on the school supply or school clothing list and can not be purchased; the need to an open and consistant dialogue with my children throughout the school year. According to the book, Child Development, Davis(2004) suggests that "consistent and open dialogue between parents and their children on specific social interests and concerns help improve communications and help children with resilience issues and self-esteem". I am aware that my children will witness bullying behavior, mean-girl behavior, teasing and other behaviors that will make them feel uncomfortable or make others feel uncomfortable this school year. According to SAMHSA(2006), "victimization due to bullying may result in absenteeism, social exclusion, lower academic achievement and internalizing problems such as depression, anxiety, and lower psychosocial adjustments". I strongly believe that there is truth in what Davis suggests and the SAMHSA research. Therefore, high on my list of necessary school supplies is an open and consistent dialogue with my children. My hope is that all parents and guardians practice listening and maintaining an open, consistent dialogue with their children in order to reduce the harm to our children from bullying behavior and increase their self-esteem.

New Anti-Bullying Law in Massachusetts!

2010-03-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

It is with great pleasure to write about the new anti-bullying program that is now required in schools in Massachusetts. On March 25, 2010, the House approved a bill that requires all public schools, charter schools and some schools providing special education services to develop and implement a plan to prevent bullying and cyber-bullying from happening and to discipline bullies. The law prohibits any bullying on school grounds; at any school sponsored event on or off campus; through the use of the school's computer system while on or off campus; through the use of any personal digital device on campus and in any non-school related situations if the bullying affects the school environment or creates a hostile environment at school for the victim.
The law also requires schools to develop a bullying prevention plan and to integrate bullying prevention instruction into their curriculum. Another provision requires schools to report incidents of bullying to local police and prosecutors if it is possible that criminal charges might be pursued.

Bully-Proof Workshop for Parents!

2010-02-10T06:49:00.000-08:00

All Parents, Guardians and Teachers!
Please don't miss the Bully-Proof Workshop to be held at Chickering Elementary School in Dover, Ma. on March 2nd between 7PM and 9PM! This workshop is designed for parents and guardians to help them understand the different modes of bullying and learn about the bully-proof techniques and tools to help their children deal with bullying. The meeting will feature Brigitte Berman, the 16 year-old author of Dorie Witt's Guide to Surviving Bullies. Brigitte is an excellent speaker on bullying and will retell her own first hand accounts of bullying. She also has a website for visitors to view her book, purchase merchandise and join in on a discussion. Her website is www.doriewitt.com Then, I will offer Bully-Proof Techniques and Tools for Parents to help them understand bullying and learn ways to help their children deal with bullying. The tools that I will present are worksheets from my guidebook, A Family Guidebook on Bullies, Self-Esteem and Hidden Hurts! I will demonstrate Bully-Proof techniques and Active-Bystander techniques. I also have a website for visitors. It is www.bulliesguidebook.com Also, Officer Aaron Mick will speak on the topic of Bullying. The workshop is open and I hope you can attend!
Elizabeth

Every State Needs Anti-Bullying Legislation!

2010-01-04T08:31:00.000-08:00

Did you know that a third(5.7 million) of students nationwide in grades 6-10 have either bullied another student at school or been the target of a bully...within the past 30 days? Did you know that Arkansas, California,Colorado,Connecticut,Georgia,Illinois,Louisiana,New Hampshire,New Jersey,New York,Oklahoma,Oregan,Rhode Island, Vermont, Virginia, Washington and West Virginia are the only states in the U.S. that have passed laws addressing bullying among students? Anti-Bullying Legislation is not a cure to bullying among students, but it certainly helps! It helps the school administrators, faculty and staff to identify the characteristics of bullying and target behavior. It also helps each student feel safer in school because once identified, the bully behavior must be reported and stopped! It's time for more states to enact stricter anti-bullying legislation and to make every administrator, faculty and staff in each school accountable for stopping bully behavior. It time for our children to feel safe in school, again.

Listen Everyday!

2009-11-09T09:54:00.000-08:00

I recently attended an excellent workshop on bullying at Pine Hill Elementary School in Sherborn, Ma. The workshop featured Brigitte Berman, the 15 year-old author of Dorie Witt's Guide to Surviving Bullies and Margie Daniels, from the Middlesex County District Attorney's office of child welfare. Bridgitte spoke to the parents in the audience and offered suggestions to help them help their children deal with feelings of being bullied. Bridgitte told the parents, " it is important to react" when your child comes to you with hurt feelings from being bullied. She explained that "reacting means listening". She further explained that parents need to "listen every day" to their children. I couldn't agree with Bridgette more! I strongly believe that it is the responsibility of parents to "tune-in" to their children. Parents can tune-in by watching to see if the behavior of their children has changed. They can ask their children if there is a problem at school. They can listen to their children and they can help their children deal with behaviors of others; the behavior that is hurting their children. Thank you, Bridgette, for sharing your story and helping parents understand how important it is to listen everyday!

Is Your Daughter Being Socially Excluded?

2009-10-28T06:36:00.000-07:00

A parent asked me for advice on dealing with bullying today. She said that her fourth grade daughter's friend is beginning to exclude her from activities on the playground at school and other social situations. When the parent's daughter asked her friend why she's not including her anymore, her friend replied, "because my mother doesn't want me to play with you anymore". The parent has made several attempts to talk to the mother of her daughters' friend and ask her why her daughter is being excluded. The mother denies any wrongdoing and replies, " you and your daughter are just too sensitive". I explained to the parent that
social exclusion is a form of bullying and when an individual is consistently made to feel uncomfortable in social situations, then they are being targeted. I suggested to the parent that she and her daughter may benefit from reading some of the suggested books and practice the worksheets in my guidebook. The book, My Secret Bully, by Trudy Ludwig is a classic example of emotional bullying. A young girl learns what to do when her friend since Kindergarten begins to exclude her. The information and worksheets on Values, Character, Courage, Bully-Proof Techniques, Friends, Real Friends and Cliques, may also be helpful in identifying thier behaviors as well as the behaviors of others. I also suggested that she and her daughter watch the DVD, Mean Girls, and read together, Queen Bees and Wannabes, by Rolalind Wiseman. The movie is a brilliant depiction of social exclusion and the book identifies the hierarchy of a clique that socially excludes. I hope the information and resources that I suggested to the parent help her and her daughter understand thier own character and values, better identity the character and values of others and find a technique to help them deal with the emotional bullying.

Hooray for Time For Kids!

2009-10-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

In the World Report Edition, dated October 9, 2009, an informative article on Bullies was published. The title is Bullies Beware! The article explains that October 4-10 is Bullying Prevention Week! What a great way to create awareness of Bully Prevention! The article states that in July, 2009, the American Academy of Pediatrics published, for the first time, official guidelines for what pediatricians should know about bullying and what they should say and do to prevent it from happening. It also emphasizes the importance of the role all adults play in reducing bullying. There are many anti-bullying curricula that are taught in elementary schools around the country. The Open-Circle, Second Step, Bully-Proof and Quit-It , are just a few of the Social and Emotional Curricula that I have taught. These programs reinforce techniques to use when a child feels uncomfortable and all of them encourage parent and other adult involvement in order for them to be successful. Unfortunately, many of the adults are not involved. I strongly agree with Sue Limber, an expert on school bullying and a Professor at Clemson University in South Carolina. She states, "When adults all work together-and work with kids-we can reduce bullying". I think every school needs to have a required bully-prevention curriculum and adult participation needs to be mandatory in order to reduce bullying in America! Elizabeth

Welcome!

2009-09-28T11:31:00.000-07:00

Welcome Parents, Teachers, Counselors and all others interested in sharing stories, asking questions or offering comments about bullying, teasing or any other social and emotional issues of elementary school children! I am Elizabeth Barnes and I hope you will find this blog a great resource! I strongly believe that the more support that we receive from one another on the social and emotional well-being of our children, the more we understand how to help our children deal with these issues. I will be visiting the blog often and hope you will, too! Thank you for visiting and sharing!